subscribe to my blog through rss!
A week or two ago, I applied for a writing contest for an open species adoptable. They're called tracker dogs, and they're so cute! I was lucky enough to win the dog I applied for! I named him Veritas, and I think he'll serve nicely as an unofficial mascot for this site, along with my Ninetales Vanitas!
I was quite pleased with how my submission turned out, so I'll share it below, along with the photos of Veritas I recieved. If you want your own tracker dog, go check out this thread here on Chicken Smoothie! They're an open species, and you aren't required to confirm your design with the owner, so long as you credit the species design to her!
Blurb from the creator:
Hard to handle but loyal to a fault. This dog demands respect from their owner and is not suitable for the untrained. Yet once this dog accepts their owner they will stand by them to the end. Their markings were made to intimidate, along with the ridges along its back. This Tracker has served in several kidnapping cases so far and found every single one of their targets. They are oddly gentle with children.
Somewhere, in a dying galaxy, an abandoned planet, you may stumble across an old building, remarkably pristine compared to the ruined surroundings. Within that building is an Archive, a collection of everything that has ever existed, every book and story and Truth that has ever been known.
And somewhere, in the ruins, is a Tracker, searching the rubble for what has long been Lost.
With the burning curiosity of the gods, Veritas wanders, searching for lost knowledge amidst the rubble of the stars. Veritas and the Curator are bonded in one thing - a desire for more. A desire to learn, to open the secrets hidden behind lost doors.
Along the Tracker Dog's collar, a message is engraved.
Veritas et Vanitas.
It is the same creed written upon the walls of the Archive, the shortened form of a motto held by the Curator.
Truth lies in vanity, vanity lies in truth.
Kaeya, Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius, is a character from Genshin Impact. I love him. His birthday was on the 30th, which is why I haven't updated in a while - I was busy making his birthday art! This is what it looks like:Twitter Link - Tumblr Link - Hoyolab Link
I still need to finish the eye and redoing the cards, but I'm proud of it!
There were some big changes yesterday. I realized a couple of things recently, and it all seemed to culminate into a realization that I did not want to be an accountant.
Well, that's not exactly it. I always knew I didn't want to be an accountant, I just wanted a stable and well-paid job, and picked accountating because I'm decent at math. I'd hoped to double major in accounting and game development, with game development as a side hobby instead of a career. But recently, I noticed that all my breakdowns seemed to end with the realization that even after I got out of school, I'd be grueling away at a job I didn't care about, with little hope of living on my own due to my disability. It was depressing, but there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it.
However, my girlfriend mentioned that they were seriously looking into studying abroad. I ended up panicking - I want to support her, but I wouldn't be able to go with her. My degree would be decently reliant on American certification once I became a Certified Public Accountant, and I wasn't able to study abroad since I can't live alone. I felt completely hopeless. Yet even so, I started to realize that almost all of my problems were things I could manage eventually. My disability is certainly an issue, but I've already improved significantly since middleschool, so if I lived with my girlfriend I could manage it. My therapist and psychiatrist are here, but once my medicine is stable enough I could always find another psychiatrist and a different therapist. Eventually, all that was left was my degree, but it was a degree I hated anyway, right? I started looking into other high-paying jobs, hoping to find something I'm interested in, and I stumbled onto Software Engineering.
It's almost perfect, honestly. Ever since I started working on this site, I've fallen in love with coding. It pays pretty well, and it's an in-demand field, so I won't have to worry too much about stability. Plus, it means I likely won't need a double-major anymore, making school less stressful. It can be done remotely, if I ever become home-bound due to disability. It's pretty universal - most of the big coding languages are primarily based on English, for better or worse. And it opened up another possibility - I didn't have to be an accountant. The only reason I went into it was for the money. But if I could do something else, something that still pays well, I had every ability to choose a different option.
By the time I went to bed last night, I was convinced. The main concern was how I would tell my grandmother - turns out I had no reason to worry. She was extremely open, and even mentioned that software engineering 'suited me better' than accounting.
I still have some work to do, and I still have to figure out where I'm going to study software engineering. Yet even so, I'm excited in a way I haven't been in a while. Stability really is a crucial aspect of feeling free.
I'm feeling like a nerd, so I'm going to talk about about Genshin Impact.
For those who don't know, Genshin is an open-world gacha game that is available in multiple countries on mobile and PC. I play on mobile, as my current computer doesn't have enough storage to support it.
Soon, version 3.3 will be released, along with new characters Wanderer and Faruzan. I wish I could pull for Wanderer, but my girlfriend knows a closed beta player who says that 3.4 will have another Xiao rerun, and I missed his last one.
Currently, I'm working to build my second Abyss team. I've been underleveled for a long time, so my current team (Kaeya, Xingqiu, Diona, and Venti) is all I have. I'm planning to give Venti his own team. Currently, I set up a team with Venti, Qiqi, Ayaka, and Xiangling, but I'm hoping to replace Xiangling with Xiao and possibly swap Ayaka and Qiqi for a battery healer like Dori and another character for off-field reactions. For now, I plan to build Venti's talents and artifacts, hopefully scoring some artifacts for Xiao too, and level Xiangling and Qiqi to be usable even after I replace them, since they're pretty good characters.
For my future Xiao/Venti team, any suggestions are appreciated. I know I'll need someone who can heal, and probably an extra battery. I'm also hoping to find a good off-fielder, ideally one that I'm not using in my Kaeya freeze team (Currently, Kaeya is paired with Xingqiu and Diona, but I need to find someone to replace Venti, debating between Jean and Sucrose.)
The main reason I haven't placed Jean on my Venti team, despite being a decent healer and good for Abyss, is because I want to have more than just Anemo characters. One of the most fun part about Anemo teams are Swirl reactions, in my opinion! So a good off-fielder would be great for this. That's also why I'm considering replacing Ayaka - I already have my Freeze team, so I'd rather give Ayaka her own dedicated team than use her for Swirl setups.
Honestly, I just really love Anemo characters. I've always been attracted to the ideal of Freedom, so it's no surprise. Besides, Anemo characters are just so much more fun to play! They all have such distinct styles, yet their swirl reactions give me the chance to do my favorite thing in the game: mess with elemental combos. To be honest, I often try to put at least one Anemo character on all my teams. I think the only ones that I don't have any Anemo characters on right now are my Geo and Dendro teams! Geo being Albedo, Yun Jin, Gorou, and Qiqi for healing, and Dendro being my Tighnari-centric team that I haven't had time to level.
Aaa, I just really love Genshin Impact. I have 91 pulls stored, so I hope I can get 180 by 3.4 so I don't have to risk losing the 50/50.
- Listened to the song "Colors and Electricity" and enjoyed it greatly, Haruko's cover is now on my playlist.
- Learned a bit more about project management, and successfully completed the bulk of my essay according to that schedule.
- Fixed my blog colors to be visible across all devices
- Celebrated my friend Layla's birthday
- Family visited for Thanksgiving. Learned Mar has never even heard of Pink Stuff (i.e. Jello Salad, the best holiday treat in the South.)
- Revised some notes in my Personal logs. My main ideals are now becoming more clearly defined in my mind.
- Leveled Venti and his weapon to LV 90 in Genshin Impact, just need to farm talent books, artifacts, and finish his teammates.
- Went out to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant for my cousin's birthday. It was a few weeks ago, but since they were sick at the time we've only just gone out to eat.
- My partner, Teddy, showed me the portfolio of a lovely artist who does mechanical sculptures of all sorts of bugs, namely spiders. And crabs. Crabs are an honorary bug, in my mind. Check out the artists work here.
Sorry for the lack of posting. I was unable to take my meds for the past two days, and it certainly affected me. At least I know they're working?
Regardless, I'm back now. I still have deadlines, but I think I can make them if I stay focused today. A herculean task, but I'll manage.
Today, I wanted to share some snippets from my personal logs. I haven't worked on them in a while, but I plan to add to them soon. Essentially, this logs are my own exercises in the subject of log entry 001: The Pursuit of Absolute Freedom. They are my efforts to understand my own sense of self, from my morals to my identity.
Freedom is an abstract concept, but abstract ideals can be made concrete by taking specific actions.
Then, what is freedom to me?
Freedom is safety. Freedom is knowledge, and preservation. Freedom is choosing to exist, and moving forward intentionally. Freedom is not following the wind, it is following your ideals, your whims, yourself.
The pursuit of knowledge and the pursuit of freedom are intertwined. To make a choice freely, you must understand all the outcomes. This is impossible without knowledge.
Freedom is knowledge. Knowledge is preservation. For freedom to be preserved, knowledge must be made everlasting.
Then, what does it truly mean for something to be everlasting?
Eternity is the preservation of life, of memories, of happiness. Human existence may be preserved through their memories, but as time passes, humans change. Memories are lost. The only way to avoid loss is to create stillness, stasis in preservation.
Humans will change. Life will end. Yet humans can still be preserved Eternally through archiving, curation, collecting and preserving knowledge.
Reality is fleeting, but it can be preserved, held in stasis.
These logs are my attempt to achieve that stasis. I do not wish to remain static. I only wish to move forward with the knowledge of who I once was. Throughout my life, my memories will fade, but these logs will not. That is what it means to preserve something eternally - the river may change course, but the stone remembers.
That is what it means to achieve freedom.
Finally fixed my blog colors. This page will be completely revamped in the rehaul, but at least for now the text is actually visible. For some reason, my screen showed my white on black text, yet the code was using system defaults, so it often showed as black on black for other devices. Just tells you the importance of using multiple devices to check readability.
Today is Thanksgiving. It's also my friend Layla's birthday, check them out on their neocities.
To be quite honest, I'm bored. My girlfriend banned me from taking on new projects until I finish my current ones so I don't become overwhelmed. I haven't had time to work on any projects, so in my free time I play adoptable forum games and scroll youtube. I want to code, but I've hit a roadblock, and I don't have the time to research what I need to overcome it. On top of that, I still have most of my essay left, along with a lot of math I need to do.
It's so overwhelming that I believe I'm becoming numb to it. I can't even muster the energy to feel overwhelmed, so I just become bored. Then my boredom keeps me from working, leading me to become more overwhelmed, and so on and so forth. A vicious cycle in the most literal sense.
I don't really know how to solve it, so I end up throwing myself into my work no matter how hard it is. But overworking is certainly not the solution to being overwhelmed. I can only pray the next week will be easier.
I don't really feel like complaining any longer, so I will leave it at that for today.
I've had a hard time with school lately.
What a shock, isn't it? But seriously. College has become so overwhelming, I can barely tolerate it. The thought of working makes me panic, so I avoid it. Even now, I've been playing Chicken Smoothie for several hours instead of working.
I still don't know how project management works. I'll look it up and come back to this blog page.
Okay, what I found is confusing. I'll try to summarize.
Figure out your deadline. Then, figure out what resources and skills you need. Now, find your project objective - what does a completed project look like? What do you plan to include in this project? What are your non-negotiable goals? What are your project limits? Now, how are you dividing the work? What tasks need to be done, when are they done, and who is doing it?
An example using my essay that needs to be done is this:
Deadline: Nov 28, 2022 (7 days).
Resources and Skills: Persuasive and Academic Essay writing skills. Need my computer, a word document, and time set aside to work.
What does a completed project look like: 2-3 Page essay on the topic required. Non-negotioble goals include 4 sources, a works cited page, proper structure as required by the teacher, in-text citations, MLA formatting, and third person perspective.
My limits are that I cannot turn it in late, so it must be done by the 28th.
Task One: Find the sources. Half a day. Task Two: Create an outline. 1 and a half days. Task Three, begin draft. 2 days. Task Four, ask for feedback. 1 day. Task five, finish paper based on feedback. 1 day.
I'm going to try to work on my essay based on this.
School has been... hectic. I had no time to post yesterday. I'll update these in the mornings instead.
Yesterday, I finally got around to listening to "Colors and Electricity" by Muship. My favorite cover so far turned out to be an singer I follow, Haruko-san. His was really good. Listen to the original song here and Haruko's English cover here. WARNING for flashing lights, as well as dark themes (don't wanna spoil it, but if you're sensitive towards non-sexual violence towards children watch out.)
I'll do my own analysis later, because I really love and resonate with this song, but I think my favorite analysis is one by youtube commenter "the peppermiint". Read it in the comments of the original song, it's a good take.
I need to do schoolwork now, so I'll end off with my favorite lyrics using Haruko's translation.
"Tell me once again, tell me once again, tell me once again how the color wheel spins."
"I want to become, I want to become, I want to become every color under the sun. I want to become, the gentle hue, only for you, the pretty yellow I knew."
"I want to become, I want to become, I want to become everything that I was. I want to be clean, what happened to electricity?"
"You see, I wanna be me."
"Pour into my mouth, forcing water down, till the day I die, this is what I am now."
"Red is ever here, it wont disappear, I wanna drown, My eyes, roll out of my mind"
"Even though I came from the colorful and bright,"
"Everything is red and I, hate my tainted life"
I think I'll begin doing a couple of types of blogs.
One is the "special blog" where something big or important happens.
One is the "weekly log", where I list some things that happened over the week.
The last will be the 'nightly log', where I chat about what happened that day.This will be tonight's nightly log.
It's been a quiet day. Thanksgiving break has begun, perks of being American, so my sisters are home all week. Apparently my cousins are visting as well.
I read the manga "May my father die soon". I was honestly expecting something along the lines of Mahou Shoujo Site, bad torture pron written by someone who only cares about the drama of abuse and not the actual effects. I was pleasantly surprised. The manga was well-written, although certainly not for the faint of heart. It involves heavy themes, but as an abuse victim myself, it resonated in a way most depictions of abuse do not. There are graphic scenes of sexual assault, however, so if you are sensitive to that, or depictions of abuse in general, I recommend you avoid this one.
I plan to do a massive rehaul of my site. This blog will be the only thing updated for a while.
I learned I won a second place prize for an art competition run by my favorite game. (Nov 11, 2022)
I became an ordained minister. (Nov 14, 2022)
I got to talk my partner on video call for the first time in a while. (Nov 18, 2022)
I joined the adoptables site Chicken Smoothie. (Nov 18, 2022)
I got a massive crack in my tooth fixed and went for an Angel Food smoothie afterwards. (Nov 18, 2022)
Read the manga "May my father die soon" and cried. I plan to write a review for it soon. (Nov 19, 2022)
I forgot to mention previously, but I recently won a second place prize in an art competition run by my favorite game, Genshin Impact.
I was honestly pretty surprised. I had hoped to win something, of course, but I thought I'd be lucky to get even a popularity prize, much less be selected by the competition judges themselves as worthy of a second place prize.
I was one of ten winners in second place. Looking at the other winners, I can't help but feel shocked - how could my piece be just as good as theirs?
It was a pleasant awakening. I had been doubting my skills for quite a while, wondering if I had anything to show for my years of effort. I only started drawing because I wanted to visualise the stories I had.
I read the notes printed on the outer borders of my manga religiously, trying to learn as much as I could about the mangakas. One of my favorites, I can't recall if it was the artist of Fruits Basket or Full Moon o Sagashite, often spoke of health problems she suffered from due to overwork.
As strange as it sounds, I was fascinated by this. I loved reading about their lives, and I wanted to be just like them, so I learned to mimic their work in my sketchbook. The early days were rough, full of half-finished pages and sloppy character reference sheets.
As I mentioned, I had become disillusioned recently. I was in a bad depressive episode, and nothing I made seemed good enough. Now, it's as though I recieved some sort of confirmation.
It's one thing for people who know you and love you to say your work is good. It's quite another for the judge of a competition, who presumably saw hundreds of pieces, to decide you should be selected.
Perhaps one day, I'll make it as a professional artist.
Here's the piece I drew, an emote of Xiao labeled "Party Xiao". Also, here's the figure I won. It hasn't arrived yet, but I look forward to when she does.
Today I became an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church.
I’m not a religious person by any means. I stumbled upon the ULC by chance – it’s a non-profit organization dedicated to religious freedom. It offers to ordain any who apply, allowing them to perform wedding ceremonies, funerals, or baptisms.
Like I said, I’m not religious. But the idea of being free to act as an ordained minister if I please appealed to me.
I’ve started thinking, what if I tried to dedicate time to this? To pursuing absolute freedom of the self? It’s a concept that’s always appealed to me, but I’ve never put much effort into it. But now, it suddenly seems like a perfectly achievable goal.
Maybe I’ll look into other things like this.